Tax Free Weekend

I had my last day of work yesterday, and I was all ready to post "Things I Hear at Work, Part 2."

And then I went to Walmart.

Da-da-da-dun. (My best attempt at dramatic music)

Today, I, along with every other living being on planet Earth, went shopping for school supplies, and I discovered the following:

The Four Groups of Back to School Shoppers.

1. The Mothers with Children
This is, by far, the largest group. And I mean large as in percentage of shoppers. This group is easy to identify. The mothers are wearing either jeans or sweatpants and a t-shirt. She is followed by a group of anywhere from two to four elementary aged children wearing shorts and Miley Cyrus tank tops, one teenager in a hoodie, and one or two babies. One or more of said babies is in the cart, the teenager is dragging behind texting, and the rest of the children are screaming and trying to talk their mother into letting them buy a Hello Kitty notebook. She instead goes for the traditional, and cheaper, black and white composition books and buys Bic pens in bulk.

She looks very tired.

2. The Unnattendeds
This group is also very easy to spot. It is comprised of mostly middle school aged children wearing the same thing as the aforementioned elementary school children, plus a cell phone. They are usually in groups of three or four girls, and their mother is who knows where. Probably in the home goods section taking a nap. They spend most of the time texting each other, browsing the Justin Bieber paraphernalia, and applying lip gloss.

They speak very loudly.

3. The Grandmothers
Grandmothers are usually found with one child. They have no idea what they are looking for, so they have to rely entirely on their grandchild, leading them to buy a bunch of unnecessary things, like locker lamps. They actually have those! The cart is full of brightly colored Sharpies, sparkly binders, and almost nothing of educational significance. The child is taking full advantage of his or her grandma. I especially love it when the child is wearing a "Spoiled Rotten" shirt.

How true.

4. The Fathers
My personal favorite. Why is it that men with children act as if every trip to Walmart is their first ever? They wander around, unable to find a thing. The child gets lost in the mayhem. The father finds said child in the electronics department, and then is unable to find his way back to the school supplies. So they call the mother, who is, undoubtedly, relishing the break from children and school supply shopping. Below is an actual conversation I heard today.

Father: "Hey, hon, it's me. We're at Walmart, and I'm having trouble finding the 1/2 inch binders. The list says it has to be 1/2 inch. If I get 1 inch, do you think the teacher will know? Call me back when you can. I will probably have more questions. Oh, Timmy wants to know if he can get an Avengers lunch box. Bye."

Nothing like tricking the teacher with another 1/2 inch on that binder.

However, with credit to the dad, it is hard to find things. You know what the hardest thing to find is? Crayons, the most necessary school supply in history. There are huge displays of locker shelves and hand sanitizer (also very necessary) and pencil pouches filling the aisles, but you know where the crayons are? In a tiny corner at the end of an aisle that doubles as the beginning of home goods.

Now, you say, why were you buying crayons? Aren't you too old for that? Well, I say, it has been six years since crayons were a school requirement. But I buy them year after year, because the first day of school is not the first day of school without a new box of Crayolas.